How I learned to be in peace with my depression is probably not the best title for what I’m about to say in this post but in a way I sorta am going to tell you how I accepted my depression, brave through the storm again and again. As I’m sitting here writing this down, I won’t lie to you saying I didn’t thought of ending my life here and now. In the past few weeks the suicidal thoughts are strong. I have never felt like this since my first wave back in 2015. This time I’m defeated and I don’t know what I can do to brave through it like I did before.

I’m always honest about my battle with depression and how I feel about it. Depression is beautiful. This still stands. It is only beautiful once you accepted it and understand it. Despite how awful depression makes me feel everyday, I still think it’s beautiful and God has bigger plan for me.

Depression is not just a blank, it has all kinds of intelligent things happening within it … Depression is an unsatisfied state of mind in which you feel that you have no outlet. So work with the dissatisfaction of that depression … It has all kinds of answers in it, but the answers are hidden. – Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche

Unsatisfied state of mind

I’m angry with myself for this because what Chogyam said was true. I’m angry that I’m raising awareness on depression, telling people to love themselves more but here I am, self-loathing like there’s no tomorrow. I failed to educate myself. I start to understand what Chogyam said now. When something is unresolved, we keep going back to it again and again, thinking about why. It is only you resolve the issue then slowly the depression leaves. What I’m going through in my life now that causes the depression doesn’t have any resolution. I just have to go through it no matter what. That is why it makes the healing process slower and harder for me this time around.

I know most people are angry at depression. I’m never angry at depression. I only feel sad because the mind work that I’ve been working on so hard has all gone down the drain. It doesn’t matter how high my IQ or EQ are. When depression hits, I am back to square one.

The wisdom behind having depression is that you see some things clearly. I question the purpose of me in the life. I tried to change a certain part of my life each time depression hit. But the downside about questioning your life is that when you can’t find the purpose of you in this world, that’s when the suicidal thought came. I have thought of a 101 ways to end my life. I even dream about it.

Have I truly accepted my depression yet? I thought I did. Now I know it’s not fully. My experience with depression in the current wave is so much different than what I’ve been through before. Sometimes I breeze through it in a day, sometimes a week but no matter how long it takes, I always feel better and well. It has nearly come to a month and I’m still feeling hopeless. This time depression hits me hard. I’m allowing myself to dwell and heal. It doesn’t matter who I am. I am where I am now. Back to where I was, questioning about me, life and everything else.

I have come to make peace with my depression because that fella will stay no matter I like it or not. Although I know exactly what to do when the wave come but I am still a human afterall and sometimes I fail to do what I needed to do.

So this is me, accepting my depression, acknowledging it. Because it is only through acceptance that I am able to heal.

This is also me, announcing that I will be on a hiatus from Street Love. If you see an update on Facebook that means I’m back. Until then I am taking some time off to storm through the current depression wave. I can’t promise you that I’ll be back stronger. But I can promise you I’ll be back. That’s for sure.

Stay beautiful Street Lovers ❤ xoxo

The post Heart-to-Heart: How I Learned To Be In Peace With My Depression appeared first on Street Love. by Fiona

Sometime in October, I had a bad breakout that lasted for a month. At that time I was desperate for a quick solution. As you already know, I’m not a big fan of Korean skincare because some of the are too hydrating on me hence giving me that oily complexion. But some, I love. You know who I turned to when I was doing my research on breakout skincare? The Korean brand of course! Koreans are known for their fair and flawless skin. I want that skin too so I started googling my way to find more info on which Korean skincare brand and products that are able to help with my breakout as well as to give me some of that flawless skin. I stumbled upon a few useful article at ProductNation Malaysia. They have varieties of useful articles on all the latest product reviews and roundups, featuring consumer favourites, on-trend reviews and many more in Malaysia. Beauty wise, ProductNation focuses more on Korean beauty trend, which is exactly right down my alley.

Here are what I learnt from my research and what works best for my skin.

Soothing Cleanser

There are a lot of cleanser specifically meant for acne/oily skin but one of the article in ProductNation mentioned about “soothing” combination skin. The Green Tea line from Innisfree is one of my favourite line so I will recommend this Innisfree Green Tea Cleansing Foam. Besides the green tea extracts, it also has amino acids and minerals to keep the skin supple, smooth and sooth skin irritation. Plus it smells amazing too!

Skin Freshener

This may sound a little cheezy because Mamonde sent me a bottle of the Rose Water Toner a few months ago but the fact is, the Mamonde Rose Water Toner is one of the best toner available in the market, if not in the Korean brand range. For someone who love everything rose, this toner has 90.89% of real rose water extracted from Bulgaria’s Damask roses. Now, where do you get a toner a pure as this! It doesn’t contain mineral oil and all the bad synthetic pigments making this toner absolutely safe to use even for the most sensitive skin.

Soft Face Scrub

Do I even need to say more about this Skin Food Black Sugar Mask? I bought 11 tubs of this and it is the only scrub I used to date. And that it was under one of the product recommendation at ProductNation makes me feel good about my product choice lol. I like this because the sugar will melts off as you are rubbing it on your face therefore it is not painful or harmful to the skin. The skin turned to super smooth, soft and supple after rinsing. I cannot tell you enough how much I love this.

Da Bomb Cream

Over the recent months, I have been extremely intrigued with the brand Belif. I didn’t even know they’re a Korean brand! I’ve heard so much about Belif especially The True Cream – Aqua Bomb. I heard that this one is quite a seller and sort of blossomed into a must-have product. It is a gel moisturizer and has the ability to provide intense moisturization minus the sticky feeling. That is why this product are highly raved everywhere. Besides this cream, there are tons of other more products from Belif that I’ve heard of. Must try to clear out my medium-sized Sephora at home before splurging at Belif

Must-Have Sleeping Mask

If you don’t have at least a tub of the cult Laneige Water Sleeping Mask at home, where have you been! I absolutely LOVE the original blue version and when Laneige launched the Lavender scented Water Sleeping Mask, it sent everyone out running to purchase it. That was because it is a limited edition launch here in Malaysia. I’m going to sound cheezy again because I am using the exact Lavender one at the moment and I’m not surprised ProductNation also recommended it as one of the top 10 Korean skincare products for combination skin.

Pimple Clear Pads

This one is really a no-brainer product to have which I think everyone who constantly has breakout should own at home. The Cosrx One Step Pimple Clear Pads are already pre-soaked in betaine salicylate and willow bark water. It has dual function as a toner and chemical exfoliant. All done after cleansing without irritating the skin. It is said to be super effective in clearing up pimples and cystic acne on the face, chest and even back acne as well. I say this is one bomb product to own. Super convenient too!

Never Skip Whitening

I spoke about the importance of using a whitening product to help lighten the acne marks even before it turned to a mark so many times here in the blog so how could I missed out the Laneige White Dew Original Ampoule Essence. White Dew range is a new range launched not too long again. Always incorporate minimum one whitening product in your skincare routine. It can be a serum, essence or cream. Whichever that is convenient for you and suits your routine. This one particular is a highly concentrated ampoule essence. Not only it can help with improving uneven skin tone, it also said to give a glowing skin. I just recently took out the cream version to use and I didn’t have anything bad to say about it.

One Last Important Product – Clay Mask!

In my recent Breakout Skincare Post, I talk about using mud mask aka clay mask as a must-have weekly treatment ritual. It is important to use something to suck out all the gunks from the inside. The Innisfree Super Volcanic Pore Clay Mask one is not a bad one except that it can be pretty dry. Having said that, I like how the mask contains 6020 mg of Jeju volcanic clay which is effective in removing impurities. It also comes in a mousse version which in my opinion is more convenient. Both works the same and dries down completely. It does have a volcanic ashy scent to it that makes the whole treatment feels like as if you are scooping real volvanic ashes and apply it on your face

There you have it! Korean skincare products for breakout skin recommendation based on my search for the best skincare in Malaysia. Bear in mind these are just some of the products that I find suits my skin and preference. There are tons and tons more products that are also suitable for breakout skin so please do your research thoroughly. You will be amazed with what you can find through Google.

The post Korean Skincare Products for Breakout Skin appeared first on Street Love. by Fiona

I stumbled upon this article yesterday on the odd habits people with depression has. And it rings a bell.

I’ve always tried to explain to people how our world changes once we had depression. Our world is not the same as yours. Our world changes in a split second compared to yours. When I read the article yesterday, I’m not proud to say I am every single one of them. But to me depression is a beautiful thing once you understand it. Depression changes me in so many ways. And it changed me to be a better person than I was before. It makes me understand myself more than before. As I’m writing this 8.17am, I just woke up from a long sleep. I haven’t been sleeping well for the past weeks. I took some medication yesterday for anxiety and that knocked me out from 10pm the night before. I thought I would quickly jump in here to talk about what I read and how it relate to me.

I give my all and more

I’ve always been someone that is full with love. Ever since depression, I turned into somewhat a hopeless romantic person. I feel more. I love more. I care more. I give more. Because of this I don’t feel for anyone at the beginning by encapsulating myself. Guys told me I should relax. I can’t. Not because I’m not relax. I’m just protecting myself from getting hurt. I also notice that I pay more attention to insensitive remarks. That doesn’t make me a sensitive person. I just care more. People with depression are the best person to fall in love with because the other one is gonna be receiving his or her all. Everything. They are going to see the beautiful side of the world. I give my all and I never hope for anything in return but the love.

I become more expressive

I’m never an expressive person. I keep everything to myself. If you have notice, I became a writer since 2 years ago. Since depression. I post my writings on Instagram and Modern Mavens. It is one of my favourite post to put up. Writers are sad people but not all sad people can write. I happened to be one that are expressive and can write when I’m in drown in the dark world. I’m also aware that whenever I post up my short stories on Modern Mavens, the readership will shoot off the roof. There’s a small cult followers for my writing. I’m happy that I could divert my emotions and feelings to another channel and inspire others. This is also how my friends keep track of me. They try to see if I’m okay through what I wrote. If they sense that I’m on the brink, that’s when they’ll come and save me.

Everyone leave a footprint in your life. And when they left, it brings a different impact.
When someone leave, it can either bring the best out of you or it can be the worse. The worse kind of goodbye is the one that turned you to a complete opposite of who you are. The best one is always the one that hurts the most but you changed to a better person. I’m not sure why or how but somehow you just did.
The best kind of goodbye doesn’t feels like a goodbye. It feels like as if the person is away for work or out of town. You find yourself beginning to hope. Hope that the person will appear at the doorstep at the end of the day. Hope that all is just a dream ☁️ //The Kind of Goodbye – Fi

I fake happy to act normal

I’m not happy. Not at the moment. But I act happy in front of my mom and friends when I’m with them. I want them to stop worrying about me. So I’m the old jolly happy go lucky in front of people. But the truth is, I’m not happy. This is normal for people with depression. So if you know someone that are always happy, they may be hiding their pain and you don’t even know it. I hide my pain all the time and you wouldn’t even know it.

I create stories to cover my pain

Often I would find myself staying on the bed not wanting to wake up and continue my day. Doing nothing, just staring lostly into the blankness. But when someone ask me what did I do the entire day, I would come up with stories on how great my day has been, out shopping, high teaing with my Datin friends at the Majestic, enjoying life. The fact is, I was in pain and I didn’t know what to do with my life. I was thinking a thousand ways to end my life when there’s possible. I didn’t want my friends to know that. Instead I told them what they wanted to hear. Telling them that things are just the same ol’ like how I used to enjoy my life.

I think of worst case scenarios for everything

I don’t notice this until last week at a business meeting. I’m about to open a store and I was voicing out all the worst case scenarios and then a friend looked at me and said that I like to think of the worst of everything for just in case. Yes I want to be cautious and think of the solution in advance before it happens. I say this is a good and bad habit. Bad is I sounded like I’m a negative person. The good is I’m a planner and a perfectionist.

I heal myself

I know what I had was a serious clinical depression whereas I have suicidal thoughts all the time. Whenever I slipped into depression, I often get ask to see the doctor. But I refuse. I think it’s ego issue. I always heal myself regardless whether it’s a deep fall or just a quick fall. I never fail to heal myself. It’s the matter of how. And each time the healing process is different. I remember at #IWillBeOkay Trail Run/Hike event, some of the participants came to me and ask how to heal from depression. My answer has always be the same – that is to find something to do that could take your mind and heart away from the pain. Mine was running and anything that is physically challenging. Now, I don’t even know what. I’m still searching for something to do that could heal me from the current depression fall.

I become anti-social

Being one of the top sales person in advertising, someone that could literally break into a conversation in the lift, I absolutely love talking to people, strangers included. I notice that for the past 2 years, I hardly want to go up to people and start talking. I just can’t. I could’t be bothered. I turned from a social butterfly to someone that has phobia of socializing. I would rather sit at one corner and daze off. I get anxiety attacks when I’m out with people. So if you see me sitting by myself at an event, don’t drag me into your social group because I’m trying to stop anxiety attack from happening. Let me heal by leaving me alone.

I have abandonment issue

This only happened right after I broke up 2 years ago. Hence the depression. Because of this, I know how hurt it is when someone left abruptly. It’s painful. It’s the hardest heart break to heal of all. But for those who had depression, the pain and sadness is at another whole new level. We don’t feel sad for a week. We literally the pain of a knife stabbing into our body. We want to take our life away, not because that someone left. But because the pain is unbearable. This also cause me to have issue to be close to people, for fear they would leave. I always felt that when things get happier, that person tend to leave and I will be left with pain and sorrow. That is why I don’t open my heart anymore. If the next one happened, I believe I will be taking my life away for real. Not because of the man but because I couldn’t tolerate the pain anymore.

I never stop thinking

My Hyperthyroidism is back a few weeks ago. It was then I realized how much stress I have put to myself. I’m hyperactive and I can’t stop thinking. A friend last week commented that my brain is constantly working. I’m constantly thinking of the what ifs, the why not, the how and most importantly the why. Sometimes I dwell in the why and I slipped back in to depression. These days I still think a lot but I try to control it just when I know I overthink and was going to slip into depression. I put a stop to it whenever I can. When the depression kicks in, the over-thinking goes to another level. So is the pain.

You see, depression is indeed a beautiful thing. It’s like I went from an ordinary girl to a superwoman despite the world is all dull, black and grey. I never regretted my depression. Because of what I went through mentally and emotionally, I am now able to help others to go through it as well. Everyone been in it differently. Some are worse and I feel for them. It is okay to feel not okay. It is okay to just stay on the bed all day or for days. It’s okay if you don’t shower and you smells like a wet dog. It’s perfectly okay to be not okay.

The post Heart-to-Heart: How Depression Changes Me appeared first on Street Love. by Fiona

Recently I have been told I’ve lost weight. Contrary, I felt that I’ve gain weight. The thing is, I slipped back into depression and I didn’t even know it. I mean the symptoms are there. I’m just avoiding it. I guess my friends know me better.

My heart rate has been extremely high. I suspected that my Hyperthyroidism is back. I scheduled for a blood test 2 weeks ago and the result came back confirming that Hyperthyroidism is indeed back. And bad. My hormone levels are double of the danger line. I’m put to 6 tablets of Camazol per day. Slightly better than when I first got it, which was 8 tablets of Propyl with a full tablet for heart condition. This time the doctor didn’t gave me any heart medication and I find myself suffocating with my hard heart beat.

When I went for checkup, I had a long discussion with my doctor on whether I had all the symptoms and on how I’m scared to go back to medication as it make me put on a lot of weight.

Doc: Your resting heart rate is indeed fast *asking while listening to my heart beat*
Me: Yes I know. I can feel every beat.
Doc: Did you lose weight?
Me: Nope. I think I gained weight.
Doc: Huh? You don’t feel your clothes loose lately?
Me: All my clothes are tight fitting lol.
Doc: Really didn’t lose any weight?
Me: I wish I did haha!
Doc: *speechless*

I went home and weight myself for the first time after so many month.

I’ve lost a few kgs. Shocking.

Not that shocking anyway as my depression is back. Hence the weight loss. I’ve lost all my appetite, I’m not sleeping, I’m on the bed all day everyday. I just couldn’t get out of bed. This is depression. This is what depression does to one.

Doctor said I’m too stress. I don’t know what is what now.

The post Losing Weight appeared first on Street Love. by Fiona