How I learned to be in peace with my depression is probably not the best title for what I’m about to say in this post but in a way I sorta am going to tell you how I accepted my depression, brave through the storm again and again. As I’m sitting here writing this down, I won’t lie to you saying I didn’t thought of ending my life here and now. In the past few weeks the suicidal thoughts are strong. I have never felt like this since my first wave back in 2015. This time I’m defeated and I don’t know what I can do to brave through it like I did before.

I’m always honest about my battle with depression and how I feel about it. Depression is beautiful. This still stands. It is only beautiful once you accepted it and understand it. Despite how awful depression makes me feel everyday, I still think it’s beautiful and God has bigger plan for me.

Depression is not just a blank, it has all kinds of intelligent things happening within it … Depression is an unsatisfied state of mind in which you feel that you have no outlet. So work with the dissatisfaction of that depression … It has all kinds of answers in it, but the answers are hidden. – Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche

Unsatisfied state of mind

I’m angry with myself for this because what Chogyam said was true. I’m angry that I’m raising awareness on depression, telling people to love themselves more but here I am, self-loathing like there’s no tomorrow. I failed to educate myself. I start to understand what Chogyam said now. When something is unresolved, we keep going back to it again and again, thinking about why. It is only you resolve the issue then slowly the depression leaves. What I’m going through in my life now that causes the depression doesn’t have any resolution. I just have to go through it no matter what. That is why it makes the healing process slower and harder for me this time around.

I know most people are angry at depression. I’m never angry at depression. I only feel sad because the mind work that I’ve been working on so hard has all gone down the drain. It doesn’t matter how high my IQ or EQ are. When depression hits, I am back to square one.

The wisdom behind having depression is that you see some things clearly. I question the purpose of me in the life. I tried to change a certain part of my life each time depression hit. But the downside about questioning your life is that when you can’t find the purpose of you in this world, that’s when the suicidal thought came. I have thought of a 101 ways to end my life. I even dream about it.

Have I truly accepted my depression yet? I thought I did. Now I know it’s not fully. My experience with depression in the current wave is so much different than what I’ve been through before. Sometimes I breeze through it in a day, sometimes a week but no matter how long it takes, I always feel better and well. It has nearly come to a month and I’m still feeling hopeless. This time depression hits me hard. I’m allowing myself to dwell and heal. It doesn’t matter who I am. I am where I am now. Back to where I was, questioning about me, life and everything else.

I have come to make peace with my depression because that fella will stay no matter I like it or not. Although I know exactly what to do when the wave come but I am still a human afterall and sometimes I fail to do what I needed to do.

So this is me, accepting my depression, acknowledging it. Because it is only through acceptance that I am able to heal.

This is also me, announcing that I will be on a hiatus from Street Love. If you see an update on Facebook that means I’m back. Until then I am taking some time off to storm through the current depression wave. I can’t promise you that I’ll be back stronger. But I can promise you I’ll be back. That’s for sure.

Stay beautiful Street Lovers ❤ xoxo

The post Heart-to-Heart: How I Learned To Be In Peace With My Depression appeared first on Street Love. by Fiona

I stumbled upon this article yesterday on the odd habits people with depression has. And it rings a bell.

I’ve always tried to explain to people how our world changes once we had depression. Our world is not the same as yours. Our world changes in a split second compared to yours. When I read the article yesterday, I’m not proud to say I am every single one of them. But to me depression is a beautiful thing once you understand it. Depression changes me in so many ways. And it changed me to be a better person than I was before. It makes me understand myself more than before. As I’m writing this 8.17am, I just woke up from a long sleep. I haven’t been sleeping well for the past weeks. I took some medication yesterday for anxiety and that knocked me out from 10pm the night before. I thought I would quickly jump in here to talk about what I read and how it relate to me.

I give my all and more

I’ve always been someone that is full with love. Ever since depression, I turned into somewhat a hopeless romantic person. I feel more. I love more. I care more. I give more. Because of this I don’t feel for anyone at the beginning by encapsulating myself. Guys told me I should relax. I can’t. Not because I’m not relax. I’m just protecting myself from getting hurt. I also notice that I pay more attention to insensitive remarks. That doesn’t make me a sensitive person. I just care more. People with depression are the best person to fall in love with because the other one is gonna be receiving his or her all. Everything. They are going to see the beautiful side of the world. I give my all and I never hope for anything in return but the love.

I become more expressive

I’m never an expressive person. I keep everything to myself. If you have notice, I became a writer since 2 years ago. Since depression. I post my writings on Instagram and Modern Mavens. It is one of my favourite post to put up. Writers are sad people but not all sad people can write. I happened to be one that are expressive and can write when I’m in drown in the dark world. I’m also aware that whenever I post up my short stories on Modern Mavens, the readership will shoot off the roof. There’s a small cult followers for my writing. I’m happy that I could divert my emotions and feelings to another channel and inspire others. This is also how my friends keep track of me. They try to see if I’m okay through what I wrote. If they sense that I’m on the brink, that’s when they’ll come and save me.

Everyone leave a footprint in your life. And when they left, it brings a different impact.
When someone leave, it can either bring the best out of you or it can be the worse. The worse kind of goodbye is the one that turned you to a complete opposite of who you are. The best one is always the one that hurts the most but you changed to a better person. I’m not sure why or how but somehow you just did.
The best kind of goodbye doesn’t feels like a goodbye. It feels like as if the person is away for work or out of town. You find yourself beginning to hope. Hope that the person will appear at the doorstep at the end of the day. Hope that all is just a dream ☁️ //The Kind of Goodbye – Fi

I fake happy to act normal

I’m not happy. Not at the moment. But I act happy in front of my mom and friends when I’m with them. I want them to stop worrying about me. So I’m the old jolly happy go lucky in front of people. But the truth is, I’m not happy. This is normal for people with depression. So if you know someone that are always happy, they may be hiding their pain and you don’t even know it. I hide my pain all the time and you wouldn’t even know it.

I create stories to cover my pain

Often I would find myself staying on the bed not wanting to wake up and continue my day. Doing nothing, just staring lostly into the blankness. But when someone ask me what did I do the entire day, I would come up with stories on how great my day has been, out shopping, high teaing with my Datin friends at the Majestic, enjoying life. The fact is, I was in pain and I didn’t know what to do with my life. I was thinking a thousand ways to end my life when there’s possible. I didn’t want my friends to know that. Instead I told them what they wanted to hear. Telling them that things are just the same ol’ like how I used to enjoy my life.

I think of worst case scenarios for everything

I don’t notice this until last week at a business meeting. I’m about to open a store and I was voicing out all the worst case scenarios and then a friend looked at me and said that I like to think of the worst of everything for just in case. Yes I want to be cautious and think of the solution in advance before it happens. I say this is a good and bad habit. Bad is I sounded like I’m a negative person. The good is I’m a planner and a perfectionist.

I heal myself

I know what I had was a serious clinical depression whereas I have suicidal thoughts all the time. Whenever I slipped into depression, I often get ask to see the doctor. But I refuse. I think it’s ego issue. I always heal myself regardless whether it’s a deep fall or just a quick fall. I never fail to heal myself. It’s the matter of how. And each time the healing process is different. I remember at #IWillBeOkay Trail Run/Hike event, some of the participants came to me and ask how to heal from depression. My answer has always be the same – that is to find something to do that could take your mind and heart away from the pain. Mine was running and anything that is physically challenging. Now, I don’t even know what. I’m still searching for something to do that could heal me from the current depression fall.

I become anti-social

Being one of the top sales person in advertising, someone that could literally break into a conversation in the lift, I absolutely love talking to people, strangers included. I notice that for the past 2 years, I hardly want to go up to people and start talking. I just can’t. I could’t be bothered. I turned from a social butterfly to someone that has phobia of socializing. I would rather sit at one corner and daze off. I get anxiety attacks when I’m out with people. So if you see me sitting by myself at an event, don’t drag me into your social group because I’m trying to stop anxiety attack from happening. Let me heal by leaving me alone.

I have abandonment issue

This only happened right after I broke up 2 years ago. Hence the depression. Because of this, I know how hurt it is when someone left abruptly. It’s painful. It’s the hardest heart break to heal of all. But for those who had depression, the pain and sadness is at another whole new level. We don’t feel sad for a week. We literally the pain of a knife stabbing into our body. We want to take our life away, not because that someone left. But because the pain is unbearable. This also cause me to have issue to be close to people, for fear they would leave. I always felt that when things get happier, that person tend to leave and I will be left with pain and sorrow. That is why I don’t open my heart anymore. If the next one happened, I believe I will be taking my life away for real. Not because of the man but because I couldn’t tolerate the pain anymore.

I never stop thinking

My Hyperthyroidism is back a few weeks ago. It was then I realized how much stress I have put to myself. I’m hyperactive and I can’t stop thinking. A friend last week commented that my brain is constantly working. I’m constantly thinking of the what ifs, the why not, the how and most importantly the why. Sometimes I dwell in the why and I slipped back in to depression. These days I still think a lot but I try to control it just when I know I overthink and was going to slip into depression. I put a stop to it whenever I can. When the depression kicks in, the over-thinking goes to another level. So is the pain.

You see, depression is indeed a beautiful thing. It’s like I went from an ordinary girl to a superwoman despite the world is all dull, black and grey. I never regretted my depression. Because of what I went through mentally and emotionally, I am now able to help others to go through it as well. Everyone been in it differently. Some are worse and I feel for them. It is okay to feel not okay. It is okay to just stay on the bed all day or for days. It’s okay if you don’t shower and you smells like a wet dog. It’s perfectly okay to be not okay.

The post Heart-to-Heart: How Depression Changes Me appeared first on Street Love. by Fiona

Recently I have been told I’ve lost weight. Contrary, I felt that I’ve gain weight. The thing is, I slipped back into depression and I didn’t even know it. I mean the symptoms are there. I’m just avoiding it. I guess my friends know me better.

My heart rate has been extremely high. I suspected that my Hyperthyroidism is back. I scheduled for a blood test 2 weeks ago and the result came back confirming that Hyperthyroidism is indeed back. And bad. My hormone levels are double of the danger line. I’m put to 6 tablets of Camazol per day. Slightly better than when I first got it, which was 8 tablets of Propyl with a full tablet for heart condition. This time the doctor didn’t gave me any heart medication and I find myself suffocating with my hard heart beat.

When I went for checkup, I had a long discussion with my doctor on whether I had all the symptoms and on how I’m scared to go back to medication as it make me put on a lot of weight.

Doc: Your resting heart rate is indeed fast *asking while listening to my heart beat*
Me: Yes I know. I can feel every beat.
Doc: Did you lose weight?
Me: Nope. I think I gained weight.
Doc: Huh? You don’t feel your clothes loose lately?
Me: All my clothes are tight fitting lol.
Doc: Really didn’t lose any weight?
Me: I wish I did haha!
Doc: *speechless*

I went home and weight myself for the first time after so many month.

I’ve lost a few kgs. Shocking.

Not that shocking anyway as my depression is back. Hence the weight loss. I’ve lost all my appetite, I’m not sleeping, I’m on the bed all day everyday. I just couldn’t get out of bed. This is depression. This is what depression does to one.

Doctor said I’m too stress. I don’t know what is what now.

The post Losing Weight appeared first on Street Love. by Fiona

Recently I had a bad breakout. I’m still breaking out till to this day, can you believe it? This has got to be my longest, most miserable breakout of all these years. So I took a drastic change with my skincare routine. Because I have not had breakout like this for years, I was actually clueless as to what to do.

The first thing I did was to stop everything I was using and re-plan my new skincare routine. The key is to go back to basic. But what? I start from the cleanser and move upwards. And these are what I had come out with.

Day time routine

To me day time was the easiest to plan. I don’t really pile up a lot of skincare products as I was before. So it was just cleanser, toner, eye care, beauty oil, moisturizer and sunscreen.

Cleanser – Neal’s Yard Remedies Deliciously Ella Rose, Lime & Cucumber Facial Wash
This one is easy. It is my existing cleanser and I’m ran out as I’m typing this. It’s very mild, doesn’t foam up a lot but does a good job in cleansing the face.

Lotion – Estée Lauder Micro Essence
Micro Essence is actually my night time toner and I’m also using it in the day time. When used along with ANR, the result is amazing. Alone on itself it is just any other lotion, only more sticky and moisturizing lol.

Eye Care – Clarins Enchancing Eye Lift Serum
I’m trying to get through this as this eye serum is not enough when used alone. As it is a serum, it is recommended to use alongside an eye cream. You know me, I’m lazy these days

Beauty Oil – Trilogy No. 15 Limited Edition Beauty Oil
I should stop using this beauty oil as well and be on a super basic regimen but since I just started using it, I didn’t want to leave it alone. It’s harmless and such a waste if I stop using it so there you have it.

Moisturizer – Clarins White Plus Pure Translucency Brightening Emulsion
I have a theory with breakout. You MUST implement at least one whitening skincare in your skincare regimen so that the marks are easier to tone down or get rid off. I never ever ever go on with my day without any whitening product. I find that by using a whitening product, the marks are less red and heals faster

Sunscreen – Murad City Skin Age Defense Broad Spectrum SPF 50 PA++++
And of course, always end your day skincare routine with a sunscreen. I’m always on min SPF50. Nothing less. Recently I took out this Murad’s new sunscreen to use. It’s slightly tinted and heavy on the skin. Not my favourite at the beginning but it grew on me. Now, I like how it makes my skin healthy.

Forea Luna Play Plus
This is a new toy I purchase recently from Sephora. I’m using it once a day aka in the morning after I woke up and it makes my skin so smooth and glowy. Weird. It works!

Night time routine

From cleanser to moisturizer there are only 6 products, same as the day time. I thought it’s more. Hmmm.

Cleanser – Caudalie Instant Foaming Cleanser
I really like self-foaming cleanser. Recent discovery and love is this one from Caudalie. Night time is the time I really indulge in my beauty routine. Even this cleanser which I’ve been saving is only meant for night time as I’m scared I ran out lol.

Eye Care – Clarins Enchancing Eye Lift Serum
Nothing different here compared to day time. Still the same product for the eyes but sometimes I do stray to others. Sometimes

Lotion – Estée Lauder Micro Essence
Same as day time, Micro Essence is the essential as I’m pairing it with ANR.

Serum – Estée Lauder Advanced Night Repair
Now, this is the main key product in the whole Breakout Skincare Routine. As I was re-planning my entire skincare routine, I was thinking hard on one product that can help with skin rejuvenation. I mean, most of the anti-aging products claimed to be one but I only knew ANR would work and worked before. So I bust into a brand new Limited Edition Golden ANR bottle from the Monkey year. Nothing feels as good as a brand new bottle of ANR haha.

Beauty Oil – Trilogy No. 15 Limited Edition Beauty Oil
Because I was using this beauty oil in the day, why not continue at night as well? Plus I feel more moisturized if I had this on to sleep.

Moisturizer – L’Occitane Reine Blanche Whitening Rich Cream
Like I said, I must have at least one whitening product to reduce acne marks and to accelerate the healing process. This cream is potent! It’s not drying for the skin and does a good job. I still do ended up with breakout marks but I believe it will be gone in no time with continuous use of this cream. I’m left with just a medium blob. Hope it will last me lol.

Treatment

On every alternate days, I would be putting one some kind of mask. The only I can’t stop using is the L’Oreal Pure Clay Mask Anti-Pores. I don’t care what people say about PRC made or UK made. This is what I can get in Malaysia and that’s what I’ll be using. Other masks on rotation are REN Evercalm™ Ultra Comforting Rescue Mask (review here) which works in calming down the skin or redness,Dr. Brand Magnetight Skin Recharging Magnet Mask (review here) to suck out all the impurities from the pores, and hella lots of sheet mask. The one I’m currently using are of course from my LoveFace X #IWillBeOkay collaboration box

Tell me, what do you do when you have breakout? Do you stop using everything or do you go back to the basic 3-steps?

The post Breakout Skincare Routine appeared first on Street Love. by Fiona