I stumbled upon this article yesterday on the odd habits people with depression has. And it rings a bell.

I’ve always tried to explain to people how our world changes once we had depression. Our world is not the same as yours. Our world changes in a split second compared to yours. When I read the article yesterday, I’m not proud to say I am every single one of them. But to me depression is a beautiful thing once you understand it. Depression changes me in so many ways. And it changed me to be a better person than I was before. It makes me understand myself more than before. As I’m writing this 8.17am, I just woke up from a long sleep. I haven’t been sleeping well for the past weeks. I took some medication yesterday for anxiety and that knocked me out from 10pm the night before. I thought I would quickly jump in here to talk about what I read and how it relate to me.

I give my all and more

I’ve always been someone that is full with love. Ever since depression, I turned into somewhat a hopeless romantic person. I feel more. I love more. I care more. I give more. Because of this I don’t feel for anyone at the beginning by encapsulating myself. Guys told me I should relax. I can’t. Not because I’m not relax. I’m just protecting myself from getting hurt. I also notice that I pay more attention to insensitive remarks. That doesn’t make me a sensitive person. I just care more. People with depression are the best person to fall in love with because the other one is gonna be receiving his or her all. Everything. They are going to see the beautiful side of the world. I give my all and I never hope for anything in return but the love.

I become more expressive

I’m never an expressive person. I keep everything to myself. If you have notice, I became a writer since 2 years ago. Since depression. I post my writings on Instagram and Modern Mavens. It is one of my favourite post to put up. Writers are sad people but not all sad people can write. I happened to be one that are expressive and can write when I’m in drown in the dark world. I’m also aware that whenever I post up my short stories on Modern Mavens, the readership will shoot off the roof. There’s a small cult followers for my writing. I’m happy that I could divert my emotions and feelings to another channel and inspire others. This is also how my friends keep track of me. They try to see if I’m okay through what I wrote. If they sense that I’m on the brink, that’s when they’ll come and save me.

Everyone leave a footprint in your life. And when they left, it brings a different impact.
When someone leave, it can either bring the best out of you or it can be the worse. The worse kind of goodbye is the one that turned you to a complete opposite of who you are. The best one is always the one that hurts the most but you changed to a better person. I’m not sure why or how but somehow you just did.
The best kind of goodbye doesn’t feels like a goodbye. It feels like as if the person is away for work or out of town. You find yourself beginning to hope. Hope that the person will appear at the doorstep at the end of the day. Hope that all is just a dream ☁️ //The Kind of Goodbye – Fi

I fake happy to act normal

I’m not happy. Not at the moment. But I act happy in front of my mom and friends when I’m with them. I want them to stop worrying about me. So I’m the old jolly happy go lucky in front of people. But the truth is, I’m not happy. This is normal for people with depression. So if you know someone that are always happy, they may be hiding their pain and you don’t even know it. I hide my pain all the time and you wouldn’t even know it.

I create stories to cover my pain

Often I would find myself staying on the bed not wanting to wake up and continue my day. Doing nothing, just staring lostly into the blankness. But when someone ask me what did I do the entire day, I would come up with stories on how great my day has been, out shopping, high teaing with my Datin friends at the Majestic, enjoying life. The fact is, I was in pain and I didn’t know what to do with my life. I was thinking a thousand ways to end my life when there’s possible. I didn’t want my friends to know that. Instead I told them what they wanted to hear. Telling them that things are just the same ol’ like how I used to enjoy my life.

I think of worst case scenarios for everything

I don’t notice this until last week at a business meeting. I’m about to open a store and I was voicing out all the worst case scenarios and then a friend looked at me and said that I like to think of the worst of everything for just in case. Yes I want to be cautious and think of the solution in advance before it happens. I say this is a good and bad habit. Bad is I sounded like I’m a negative person. The good is I’m a planner and a perfectionist.

I heal myself

I know what I had was a serious clinical depression whereas I have suicidal thoughts all the time. Whenever I slipped into depression, I often get ask to see the doctor. But I refuse. I think it’s ego issue. I always heal myself regardless whether it’s a deep fall or just a quick fall. I never fail to heal myself. It’s the matter of how. And each time the healing process is different. I remember at #IWillBeOkay Trail Run/Hike event, some of the participants came to me and ask how to heal from depression. My answer has always be the same – that is to find something to do that could take your mind and heart away from the pain. Mine was running and anything that is physically challenging. Now, I don’t even know what. I’m still searching for something to do that could heal me from the current depression fall.

I become anti-social

Being one of the top sales person in advertising, someone that could literally break into a conversation in the lift, I absolutely love talking to people, strangers included. I notice that for the past 2 years, I hardly want to go up to people and start talking. I just can’t. I could’t be bothered. I turned from a social butterfly to someone that has phobia of socializing. I would rather sit at one corner and daze off. I get anxiety attacks when I’m out with people. So if you see me sitting by myself at an event, don’t drag me into your social group because I’m trying to stop anxiety attack from happening. Let me heal by leaving me alone.

I have abandonment issue

This only happened right after I broke up 2 years ago. Hence the depression. Because of this, I know how hurt it is when someone left abruptly. It’s painful. It’s the hardest heart break to heal of all. But for those who had depression, the pain and sadness is at another whole new level. We don’t feel sad for a week. We literally the pain of a knife stabbing into our body. We want to take our life away, not because that someone left. But because the pain is unbearable. This also cause me to have issue to be close to people, for fear they would leave. I always felt that when things get happier, that person tend to leave and I will be left with pain and sorrow. That is why I don’t open my heart anymore. If the next one happened, I believe I will be taking my life away for real. Not because of the man but because I couldn’t tolerate the pain anymore.

I never stop thinking

My Hyperthyroidism is back a few weeks ago. It was then I realized how much stress I have put to myself. I’m hyperactive and I can’t stop thinking. A friend last week commented that my brain is constantly working. I’m constantly thinking of the what ifs, the why not, the how and most importantly the why. Sometimes I dwell in the why and I slipped back in to depression. These days I still think a lot but I try to control it just when I know I overthink and was going to slip into depression. I put a stop to it whenever I can. When the depression kicks in, the over-thinking goes to another level. So is the pain.

You see, depression is indeed a beautiful thing. It’s like I went from an ordinary girl to a superwoman despite the world is all dull, black and grey. I never regretted my depression. Because of what I went through mentally and emotionally, I am now able to help others to go through it as well. Everyone been in it differently. Some are worse and I feel for them. It is okay to feel not okay. It is okay to just stay on the bed all day or for days. It’s okay if you don’t shower and you smells like a wet dog. It’s perfectly okay to be not okay.